Henry David Thoreau
The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
Charles DuBois
I am presenting in chapters, snapshots and scars, a journey I experienced that profoundly changed me. Against the odds I changed the man I was and became the man, I much later agreed, reluctantly, that I desperately needed to become to survive. It has been daunting going through personal changes, changes in my attitude, my thinking, and my views of life, the world, and of people. My attitude of keeping people at a distance I viewed as helping me survive the treacherous lifestyles I was part of. Amazingly, this actually worked and helped me survive while I was in the madness of addiction. However in recovery this attitude threatened my growth, well being and happiness and could actually contribute to my death through relapse. I became aware that my attitude was objectionable and had to be replaced with a new set of ideas.
While I was in rehab It was explained to me in therapy speak that my attitude derived from my belief systems, rigid thought patterns, schema, and all this informed my negative behaviour. The therapeutic deconstruction and reconstruction involved in developing a new, more positive, healthier attitude is long and complicated. I found it as overwhelming, perplexing and frightening as being sober and drug free.
Jim, who was a trainee counsellor at Broadway Lodge Rehabilitation Centre kept it concise when he was explaining to me the 12 Step Programme, the model of treatment the centre has as its ethos. A burly broad Scotsman with unruly hair Jim summed it up like this -it’s a simple programme, you just got to change everything!
I was a resident for 6 months in Broadway Lodge rehab in the South West of England. Based in Weston Super Mare, North Somerset, Broadway Lodge is a large house set in its own grounds that has been treating people like me since it was established in 1974. For the first two weeks there I was reticent around the staff and other residents. I felt, mentally, emotionally, seriously car crashed and walked around cautiously stunned in the silent wreck of my emotions. A constant emptiness hung within me, I had absolutely no emotional materials to help me build bridges with anyone. When I did begin to speak to people I got to know Jim. He appeared brusque but he spoke enthusiastically and was talented at explaining recovery concepts simply. For these reasons I would look out for him to grab a chat. Jim let me know that the attitude I had that kept me alive in the madness of criminality and drug abuse would kill me in recovery. It was imperative I change it. I must let people in; become emotionally genuine. Any opportunity I had I would ask Jim about addiction, change, recovery, therapy, and this 12 step Programme I heard all the clients and counsellors talk about. ‘She’s off the programme’, ‘You’re not on the programme’, and ‘You gotta trust the Programme’. -How does it work, I asked Jim. –Just fine Kevin, he answered, and walked off. Not yet used to smiling too often, I smiled cautiously. In reflection I realised that his answer, though facetious, was what I needed to hear.
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